Black Velvet

There’s currently an orange juice commercial that I hear at least 110% of the time I turn on the tv.  At first, I found it kind of enlivening — especially in the morning.  It was perky and full of sunshine.  Then somewhere around the sixty-third time I heard it, that perk changed to evil.  Now it makes me want to punch someone’s neck meat. Turns out, it’s a song from Singing in the Rain, by  Debbie Reynolds, Donald O’Connor and Gene Freakin’ Kelly. I feel like a real jerk.

That got me thinking, though. There are a few songs that fill me with a rage so immense that I have almost wrecked my car trying to change the radio station. So I made a list.

Top 10 Songs That Make Me Want to Light My Hair On Fire

10. Nickelback, “Photograph”

I’m not a fan of Chad Kroeger’s voice, nose or hair. It has sold more than 1.4 million downloads and made it to #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. “What the hell is on Joey’s head?” I don’t care. Please shut it.

9. The Cranberries, “Linger”

I love Dolores O’Riordon’s voice, and while I can’t say this of Nickelback, I have enjoyed a Cranberries tune on occasion. But one time my brother made a joke about a fart lingering, and now that’s all I can think of when I hear this song. Next!

8. Train, “Drops of Jupiter”

There are many a Train song that could have made this list, but in the end, it came down to lyrical annoyance. No one can check out Mozart while simultaneously doing tae-bo. Have you ever done tae-bo, Patrick Monahan?  What makes a romance “freeze dried”? And the line about the “best soy latte that you ever had” should be punishable by law.  Maybe I’ll call the Arkansas State Congress…the seem to pass all kinds of bullshit laws lately.

7. Aqua, “The Barbie Song”

Please listen to this once and tell me you’re not compelled to drive your car into a wall.

6. Ylvis, “What Does The Fox Say”

I’m completely nonplussed that this became such a hit. The chorus sounds like a 100cc motorcycle engine revving.

5. KT Tunstall, “Black Horse & a Cherry Tree”

I just…no. She’s such a cute woman, but her voice has that raspy weirdness to it, kind of like Alannah Myles, which I’ll get to in a sec.

4. Rednex, “Cotton Eyed Joe”

Ah, 1994. Reminds me of being drunk and dancing at Crazy Zacks (rest in peace) at beach week in Myrtle. This song is a terrible mashup of techno, country music and Sweden.

3. Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”

Lord, this song was everything in 2011. I loved it at first, but like many a catchy tune, it suffered death by overplaying. I always thought it was a little incongruent with the times, though. It’s not crazy to give someone your number that you’ve just met. That’s actually much safer than taking off your shirt, which I think is how dating works these days.

2. Fine Young Cannibals, “She Drives me Crazy”

She drives you crazy? Well this SONG drives me crazy.  It’s 99% Roland Gift’s voice, but this song and video have problems. The video has the guys with weird shorts hopscotching, and another guy with a TV on his head.  Or least, that’s what I remember of it, and I refuse to look it up on YouTube because of all the hate.

And finally, drum roll…..

1. “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles.

There are so, so many things about this song that I hate. So many metaphors! The first verse is chock full of bad poetry. Example “The sun is settin’ like molasses in the sky”…Scratch that — the whole song is a bad poem. “A new religion that’ll bring ya to your knees, Black velvet if you please.”  But what is it?  WHAT IS BLACK VELVET? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.  Just make it stop.

So, there you have it. I promised myself I’d keep this blog positive. I once saw Adam Lambert in Georgetown and tweeted that I thought he was probably buying guyliner. Someone tweeted back and said something mean about him. It made me pause because as silly as it sounds, I didn’t think anyone would hear me my little tweet in the vast space of the Internet. But someone did and I felt bad.  So, my direct apologies to all the people I’ve mentioned here if anything is hurtful. It’s meant to be in good fun. I applaud your artistry and would trip Kanye if he tried to take one of your awards away and give it to Beyonce…Just please don’t make me listen to your songs, k?

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